29 weeks

Yeah, we are 29 weeks!

Had a scan today, and all is well.
Twin 1 is pressed so far down and to the side, poor little guy, but he is doing well weighing 1.3kg.
Twin 2 seems to be taking all the space lying right in the middle of my tummy, bab is weighing in at about 1.5kg

So with these two lying the way that they are I'm not sure when I feel one and when the other..mmmm probable feel twin 2most of the time as he is in the front.

On that note babes are getting bigger and really quite strong, they have now taken to kicking me in the ribs or just taking a foot and pushing hard as they can, quite sweet as I can actually rub their little feet when they do that, so cute.

So blessed!!


I hope and pray that those still struggling with IF will be blessed With miracles very soon
Merry Christmas to all!

Bump at 27 weeks

So here is the tummy at 27w4d and total weight gain is 12kg

Scan and a milestone

We had our scan yesterday 27w3d, and babies are doing well.
Twin 1 weighs 958g and twin 2 just over 1kg.
Dr R is really happy with them said that they are both still growing at the rate that singletons do, so that's good.
And the 1kg mark is a great milestone for the babies, as well as reaching 27wks, improves their chances if they had to come early.

Twin 2 managed to turn head down, she seems to think he is an acrobat getting that right with the limited space they have...lol my poor babies.

Guess that would explain all the kicking in my ribs lately.
Getting bigger and a bit uncomfortable towards the end of the day, but I'll do anything to keep these babies in as long as possible.

Will update with a tummy pic soon
Xxx

Changing Drs and scan updates

Last week I went for my 24w scan, it was my second visit with our new gynea (I had to change gyneas as our medical aid was just giving us so many problems with using our first gynea.

At our first visit she scanned the babies but didn't take any measurements, the only remark was that they where proper babies...lol
It bothered me the whole time as I want to know everything about my babies so I planned to ask her at our next visit.

At the 24w scan I asked her to please measure the boys as I wanted to know how big they where.
So she took twin 1's measurements and said that they were doing well and that their weight was well over 500g, I then asked her to check my cervix, which she did externally and said it was fine.
As we left her office I noticed that in my file it said they found traces of glucose and protein in my urine. I was surprised that she didn't even mention this to me...
So over the next couple of days I did some research and it seemed my boys where tiny for their gestational age and it really bothered me that she just took one twins measurements.

After a lot of thinking I convinced my DH to go for another scan at our first gynea.

So yesterday we went for our 25w3d scan.
It was lovely seeing Dr R again , I explained all my concerns to her and she took her time taking the boys measurements.
It was such a relief to see that twin 1 was measuring ahead at 26 weeks. And he weighs 830g twin 2 is also measuring ahead and he weighs 900g.

She did mention that different ultra sound machines might get different readings, but a discrepancy of 300g was just too much.

She also did an internal scan to check my cervix, which is still holding well.

They checked my urine again, which showed no protein or glucose, really happy about that.

She explained to us that using DE puts you at a higher risk of developing per-eclampsia, so we will be monitoring me very closely, and she said that she wants me to go for blood tests to do per-screening for pre-eclampsia so we can try and manage it early on if I do develop the condition, which I hope and pray that I don't.

I am also going for a glucose test next week to test for gestational diabetes.

And she said that I would get a steroid shot at 28w to mature their lungs, just to be on the save side.
So all in all I feel a lot better and we have decided that we are going to stay with Dr R, even if we have to battle our medical aid all the way. It really does make me so happy knowing that she is really proactive and that I will see her every two weeks from here on.

Other than that boys are doing well, they are really getting very busy. We saw twin 2 drinking amniotic fluid and twin 1 giving his brother a little punch.
Twin 1 is still head down and twin 2 is still breech.

So all good and I am loving my tummy and these precious little boys and my DH for knowing me so well and for doing what is best for us....

Starting the nursery

We have started on the boys room and it’s really so nice to be putting all their little things together.

So this is the very first item a bought for a nursery.... bought it about a year after we started ttc, thought that it would help me be positive in this journey.

I have to mention that I did stash it away where I couldn’t see it for a loooong time, sometimes I even wondered if I would ever get to put it in a nursery.

So here is the little whale that started the nursery

I then tracked down this whale basket that I just could not resist.

Lucky for me DH’s company flew their plane to the US and I got to fill it with all the baby stuff I couldn’t get here, very happy about that!

So pretty obvious that it was going to be a beach or sea theme room, until I found this at our Pottery Barn and again couldn’t resist.

So guess it has now become the little whale room.

So now my only question is to buy the cot bumpers or not, they are so darn cute, but I have read that they are not safe for the babies, some advice pls?

Our cots arrived last week.

And I found some inspirational rooms

Just love all the blue and green

Yesterday we went and bought the paint for their room, and had to do a little test, hope it all comes together the way I imagine it..lol

23 weeks

We are 23 weeks and my bump is growing

Weight gain 7 kg                                  

                                     

I am still so amazed at this whole pregnancy experience, so very thankful that its happening and I have my precious little boys growing inside of me.

The most special moments to date is still feeling them move and now when we ask them to kick they respond to our voices, maybe wishful thinking on our part thinking that they kick on demand...lol, but these little angels are definitely responding to us .... so precious

And DH has now been able to see some of the kicks, sometimes my whole tummy bounces ...again so special.

Aaa there really are no words to describe the love ...

Jealous much

Ok so I heard some ....interesting news today!

And I try not to have these feelings as I am so blessed with my hubby and my boys on the way, but somehow the green monster always sneaks up on me.

So my SIL found out she is pregnant....25 weeks pregnant!!!?!?????!!!!?????!

How do you not know you are pregnant at 25 weeks?
She is a little chubby but not that much, she has PCOS so that explains the missing AF, but 25weeks?????

Anyway kinda feels like they stole my thunder, childish I know but I'll get over it in a couple of days ...
What am jealous of is the fact that she is 25 weeks , her baby is viable and they had no stress getting there.

I'm 22 weeks hoping and praying every day for 26w,30w,36w to deliver my babies safely ...

I guess its the whole IF thing, making me so fearful of everything that could go wrong, I've been through a bit to get here and I just want everything to work out, for my babies that we tried so hard for to be born healthy at as close to full term as we can get ...

And she gets it all without even noticing it.....lol

O well that's how it goes I guess...

FA scan at 18 w3d

So after our scary Thailand holiday, Dr said we should go for the big 20week FA scan early to make sure that everything is ok.

So at 18w3d we got to see our precious little boys....
Yip I'm gonna be a mommy to 2 little boys!!!!

Aaa my heart just melted when we got to see their little faces in 4D. I fell in love even more, so hard and so fast it was unbelievable!!!!

Our little boys are sooo gorgeous and they look just like their Daddy... love,Love! LOVE!!

Twin 1 is measuring ahead at 18w6d and weighs 260g
Twin 2 is measuring ahead at 18w5d and weighs 259g

Love these little boys so much already

Thailand holiday ...

Ok so once again I have been a really bad blogger...

Our Thailand holiday turned really stressful.

One week into our holiday, so at 16 wks pg, I had a really hectic bleed.

What made matters worse is that we were on a day trip out to one of the islands, it was a glorious day and we were having so much fun.

Slow boat ride out to the island, some canoeing and swimming in the beautiful water, Dh went to climb the mountain to the view point while I stayed behind and just lounged beneath the trees.

Dh came back and we were just about to board our boat again to the next island when I had this huge gush of fluid and I guess I knew instantly that it wasn’t gonne be good.

Rushed trip to the loo confirmed lotsa red blood.

My heart just sank and I ... well words can’t explain how petrified I was!

My hero of a husband went into overdrive, organised a speed boat back to the main Island with an ambulance waiting at the docks, while all the time holding my hand telling that everything was gonna be fine and that our babies would be fine

I love him so much ...

Hospital was not quite what I expected but it was better than nothing

We managed to see the Doc fairly quickly and did an Ultra sound.

We saw the babies moving and that was a huge relief, he also confirmed that the placentas where fine and that he could see the blood but it came from another source, he suspected the hematoma that I had.

So we stayed overnight in our private suite, which included plastic on the beds and a towel as bedding, with a trash can in the shower ( still don’t know what that was for)  and my poor hubby slept on the couch also covered in plastic.

Not the best night’s sleep but it was the night that I felt the first little kicks, 3 very distinct taps, my babies way of letting me know they were doing fine, just love these precious babies so much and their dad ... well he rocks my world!

The next morning we had another scan and babies were doing well and the bleeding that that the doc had seen before seemed to have gone, I was however still spotting quite a bit.

So off to the hotel we went for a week of bed rest.

The spotting continued for another 2 weeks in the second week I became very bloated and the spotting increased, needless to say I was petrified!!

So we changed our tickets to come home and just be under the care of our own Drs.

It’s with such a grateful heart that I came home to hear that my babies are fine and from the time that we got here I’ve had no more bleeding.

On the good side, I have just realised once again how totally amazing my husband is, how much I love these little babies and how grateful I am for being pregnant and knowing that these are my husbands babies growing inside of me .

On the down side it was a huge scare and I have become very fearful of every little thing, so much so that I am just praying to get to 26wks so hopefully I can relax a little knowing my babies will be viable although very prem.

So my prayer is Lord please just protect my babies and keep them safe and sound and in my womb until 37 wks...

12 week update

How far along:  12 weeks

Symptoms:  I have nausea on and off throughout the day, certain smells make me gag and brushing my teeth is an uphill battle with all the gagging. Feel bloated especially at night.  For the last week I have been getting headaches

Stretch marks:  None

Weight Gain:  I think I have gained a 1kg but not sure

Sleep:  I sleep well and enjoy little afternoon naps every now and again

Movement:  I haven’t felt anything yet but they seem very active on the scans

Best moment of the week:  Seeing my babies at the NT scan in so much detail, the most precious little hands and feet and little faces, them moving and just being there, and  the smile on their Daddy’s face...

Food cravings:  None really

What am I looking forward too:  Finding out what genders they are (I think twin 1 is a girl and twin 2 is a boy...let’s wait and see.

Milestones:  reaching 12 weeks and the end of the first trimester.

Emotions:  It’s been up and down since I found out that twin 2 has a higher risk of DS, I have thought about it a lot and I will love the little baby the same no matter what, I guess it’s just dealing with a different reality than what you expected, but I am praying with all of my heart that T2 is perfectly healthy in every way.

General:  My baby bump is growing!

Good and bad

So will try to put into words what I feel< but it’s pretty hard at the moment.

Went for our NT scan yesterday, and it was so precious to see the babies.

Twin 1 at the bottom was a real little busy body and so cute LO is measuring 12w4d and is 6.19cm long.

This ones nucleal fold measurement is 1.3mm which puts the baby at a really low risk for downs and a risk of 1:10000

Twin 2 was a bit more relaxed and measured at 12w2d and 5.67cm.

Nucleal fold is 2.5mm which really worries me and this put us at 1:540 chance for downs.

They did however take some bloods and we are waiting for the results but I am really worried as my first betas where really high, I don’t know if it indicates anything and from what I have read this test is really unreliable as far as twins are concerned.

The good news is that both babies has really clear nasal bones and they both seem very healthy and Dr doesn’t seem to concerned, we are not going for an amnio due to the chances for miscarriage.

It also seems that I have some implantation bleeding floating about and I don’t really know what it means, prob not good.

And then it looks like the 2 placentas might have fused, the babies are so close that we cant really tell...

So all in all good and bad I guess, really worried about the chances of downs for twin 2

Don’t really know what to say , been crying a lot ....

10 week scan

Went for our 10wks scan on Monday and  both babies are doing well, even measuring ahead at 11wks !!
One little one is 4.04cm and the other 3.98cm

It was so precious to see the little arms and legs move for the first time.
Dr R even pointed out 5 little fingers at one point and then a little fist pump later , so cute!

So next week we are going for the big 12 weeks scan, little nervous, just want both babies to be all healthy and normal and we might get to find out what their genders are...

This is so surreal I am actually 11 wks pregnant, at times I never thought this would happen and when I think about it, it really is a miracle that we found the right donor at the right time, just amazing ...

First meeting with OBGYN

So just a little less than a week after our second scan I went for another one.

Thankfully not because anything is wrong just so Dh could go with me to meet a OBGYN that we are going to try out and off course to see his little babies.

Dr R seems to be very nice and we both like her, I guess it was only the first meeting so we will see how things go.

She did the scan and we saw our little babies so cute they measured at 1.88 and 2.03 cm and around 8 weeks and 3 days.

We even saw little arms so precious. I just kept smiling at the screen the whole time.

After the scan she told us that both little babies look fine so far.  And our chances of miscarriage drop to 8-10% at this point, where it was 35% and higher with IVF.  So for now I breathe a little bit easier.

We see her again in 2 weeks time.

So happy my babies are fine and happy DH got to see them.

2nd Scan

I went for our second scan today.  I have to admit the time leading up to  it has been a little stressful, not that I think anything is wrong with my babies just because its a scan and you never know what to expect.

DH has been away for almost a week and I was really sad that he wouldn’t be back in time, maybe that was partly why I was a little stressed.

Kinda get scared when I think about the amount of things that I will have to do alone in the coming months and when our precious babies are here, but I know that if it was up to him, he would be here with me (us)

So back to the scan, we actually got to do it externally, how nice is that...lol

Anyway both my gorgeous little babies where there, just prefect.

I saw their little hearts flickering and when the doc turned the sound on it was just heavenly!

Both babies measuring about   7w6d

Such a blessing to see those amazing little heartbeats

xxx

Happy days!!!

so I just could not wait anymore to go for my scan, according my calculations I am 6 weeks pg today so I though why not.

So we had our 1^st scan yesterday and we are having TWINS!!!!!

OMG this is so wonderful , we are so happy and excited and we are just blown away.

Had to do the wand again, cause I went so early at first I only saw one black circle but as the doc moved the wand there they were 2 gorgeous blobs...lol

I started smiling before the doc even said anything and as she looked at us all she did was hold up two fingers.

O tears of joy we are so happy!!!

We saw the tiniest little heartbeats so precious

I am so thankful God has been so good to us and this feels like a dream come true

Thank you , thank you, thank you!!!!

3rd Beta

So I went for another beta.

But this is the last one, I get so worked up that it really can’t be good for my little June bug.

And it is 3 434 at 14dp5dt

I was a little worried that it’s not doubling but the clinic says its fine and that I have nothing to worry about

So I am going to relax, enjoy being pregnant and thank God for the amazing miracle He has given me.

I’m pregnant !!!!

2nd Beta

Our second Beta came back at 926 nice strong and healthy.
I was really thinking it might be twins, but I dont know if its going up fast enough.

Either way I am so happy, we are pregnant for the first time ... ever!

Thank you Lord, and pls keep my babies safe and healthy

What a surreal day

I have a lot of catching up to do so here goes.

I decided to test at 8dp5dt, some say to early but I was really hoping that it worked, so woke up on Wednesday morning (22 June, thought it was a good day to test, it was my Granny’s birthday ).

I felt sick waking up not wanting to test, but at the same time wanting to test more than anything.

So I peed in a cup, gross I know but there was a method to my madness.

Took the first POAS (clicks brand) dipped and waited, DH came in and I just shook my head,  it didn’t work, my heart dropped for a moment but somewhere inside me I was going, “ but it had too I can feel it”

So together we dipped the next stick ( IVF brand) waited 2 secs and a very faint line appeared.

At about the same time the clics brand started showing a line..

We were hugging each other, laughing and crying and just loving each other

But test wasn’t over we had 2 more sticks to go, so we proceeded to dip them and as we did, magically 2 lines appeared instantly ...

Happiness knew no bounds, time to get the beta done.

Beta came back  477!!!!

Holy smokes for testing 4 days early we had a huge beta

Happiest day of our lives, we made it we got a BFP

So thankful to our donor for being such an angel and giving us such a huge gift.

But even more than that, Thank you Jesus for your grace and your mercy and this wonderful gift.

2ww crazies

Well, I am in the 2 ww and going slightly insane.

Keep thinking that I might just get a BFP if I POAS now but really I am only 4dp5dt, so maybe a bit early.

I was thinking about our last cycle and I think it was today that I just broke down and cried because I just knew that it was all over.
However today I feel positive today about this cycle, I mean off course I have my fears and their are plenty of them, but I also have hope and I trust that I am pregnant this time.

I have been feeling very light twinges, might be my imagination, as I had a AF is coming feeling the night before the transfer.  However there is something on the left hand side of my uterus, and I am choosing to believe that it my babies making themselves at home.

I pray with all of my heart that I am pregnant, please Lord ...

ET 2 good embies

Our ET was yesterday and although all 15 embies were still growing, but...

Freezing them would be a bit of a problem as they were not good enough.

The 2 embies that we transfered were of really good quality, the RE said that they were blasts grade 4AA and 4AB which is really good!

Dr G also seemed very positive and even said "well lets go get you pregnant"...lol so sweet.

Dr V did my transfer and commented on my beautiful uterus ...lol

So we have to gorgeous embies on board and I pray with my whole heart that they will stick and that we will have a BFP soon, I really want this so badly, it just feels like my donor was perfect and I love everything about her and the whole cycle was such a positive one, I just really want theses embies to be my babies and I want this to be their story.

We did get a call from the RE to say that there was 1 embie good enough t o freeze but that it wasnt their policu to only freeze one and that I frozen embie only has a 10% chance of making it.

Wish I had know before the transfer would have loved to put that embie in as well, probable craziness but hey thats what IF does to you

So please let these babies stick , hoping and praying with all of my heart for a BFP

ER and fert report

Well quite a bit has happened since my last post.

We have had our ER on the 9th of June and our donor was a rock star.
I was hoping for 10 eggs, DH said that he would be happy with 7 ..... we got 17 eggs!!!!!!!!!!!
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that we would get so many eggs
When the clinic phoned me to tell me I just started crying it was so surreal and wonderful ...

Our Fert report came in the next day on the 10th of June we had 12 fertilised eggs and 3 that looked like something might still happen.  the ER told me not to get to excited because they might not do much, but on the other hand they might pull through.
Again I was in tears, I was blown away it was such a good fert report.

And today they let me know that we were going to do a 5 day transfer as we had 15 lovely embies growing.  It feels like my prayers has been answered I asked that all 15 would make it and here they are doing well.

I am so thank full that we got this far and I believe that our embies will continue to do well.
But most of all I pray that we will get a BFP this cycle and that we will have a baba soon.

I am so thankful to my donor, for the incredible gift that she has given me and for the hope that is flooding my heart, I pray that she will be blessed and happy for I think she is just amazing.

So worried

Ok so we are about to get this cycle started, well in my mind at least!!!

Here is the problem, I haven’t heard from the clinic yet, when last I spoke to the co-ordinator she said that she would let me know as soon as the donor started her Af which was suppose to happen on Friday, it is now Tuesday and I haven’t heard a word from her.....

I tried to call on Friday – no answer

Sent an email on Sunday – no answer

Phoned the clinic on Monday – she doesn’t pick up ( repeat this 5 times)

Leave 3 messages – doesn’t get back to me

Phone the clinic on Tuesday 3 times- she doesn’t answer

Leave a message – she doesn’t get back to me

Now what am I suppose to do with that,

Has my donor decided against the donation?

Has something happened to her?

Has something gone wrong with her cycle?

What is going on I am going insane here!!!!

Idols

So last night I watched the finals of American Idol (really good way to help me distress and forget about our upcoming cycle.

So Scotty McCreery won and I totally love him!!!

He has been the sweetest most sincere boy from the start of Idols and I really have to take my hat off to his parents, they raised a good boy!

Especially in today’s world it seems like, you don’t really find kids like that anymore, by the time they turn 17 they are already so tainted and worldly  all innocence is lost and it seems like most kids can’t wait to get away from their parents.

I hope and pray that we will be able to raise our kids to be something like Scotty, yes I want them to be naughty and I want them to be ruff, especially my boys, but there is something to be said for a child that loves his mom and dad, who knows how to pray and who cares about the people around him.

So hopefully we will get the chance to raise kids that can make a difference, kids who will love...

Quick update

I am hoping that our cycle will start really soon!

I asked my co-ordinator at the clinic to bring the dates forward a bit that our donor would start stimms, but it seems like she didn’t listen to me at all.

Our donor is still waiting for her AF to arrive, hopefully today or tomorrow (please!!!!)

And then our estimates date for ER will be on the 10^th of June.  I was hoping for it to be on the 6^th but that won’t be happening anymore

So I will just breath and keep calm and hope that everything will be fine and go according to plan and that I will get a BFP at the end of June ....

We are in the clear

Thank God!!!

We are in the clear

DH biopsy came back negative for skin cancer, seems that it was just a granuloma.  They did however want to run more blood test to make sure and that came back all clear as well.

I am so grateful

On the baby making front: 

I took my Lucrin shot on Saturday and have been taking estropause, actually upping the dosage tomorrow.

Don’t know if it’s the hormones but I feel Yuk, yuk, yuk!!

Headaches, night sweats and my whole body is just sore especially my lower back, now let’s just hope that it’s all worth it in the end.

Unfortunately VL is not very forth coming with any information regarding my donor, so I hope all is on track, I don’t even know when her stimming starts????

Hope and pray that this works ...

Head over heals

I’m totally head over heels in love, and it does not happen often...

Well,  I might get a bit of a crush now and again on a pair of havaiana flip flops but that is really the extent of it.

That is until I saw these gorgeous pair of clogs from Miu Miu ( pls don’t hold this against me I am not into designers and really not into fashion)

But this is ......Love, LOVE , love

Hope Floats

So life is good at the moment

DH went to get a biopsy done on his arm still waitting for the results.

I have gotten myself to a place where i am fairly optimistic about my upcoming donor cycle.

Actually very exctited, today was the last day for BCP yeay to that, hate those damn things!

Waiting for AF to arrive, Lucrin shot and onto Estropause

Hope and pray that this cycle with bring us a BFP, even more than that I am visualizing my twin babies!

Not the c word???

I have good days and bad days and lately I have had better days, even with everything that we have learnt the last couple of weeks.

That was until yesterday...

Went to the dermatologist with my DH to have a mole checked out and it seems like he might have skin cancer

Cancer.....?

The word rattled round my brain for a while and then slammed straight into my heart and now the tears just won’t stop flowing.

I can handle a lot of things or I have learned to cope with everything that life has thrown at me this far, but this is where it ends.

I can’t lose him as well.

The Dr did say it was nothing to worry about and that it is probable localised and would be gone as soon as it was removed, but still it’s that word ....cancer..

And just the thought that I might be without him...

So please pray for me, as I have been left so jaded and hopeless by infertility that I really can’t seem to get through to God anymore.

Dear God

Please heal him, please let it not be cancer, please help us

PLEASE ....

lap and so forth

After seeing Dr G the other day he scheduled a HSG for me, I really did try everything to get out of it and my last one hurt so much that I nearly fainted! But it turned out that this one was a walk in a park with some help from a couple of mypridols...lol

He saw a polyp that he wanted to remove, said he would never put an embryo back with one of those there so we scheduled a hysteroscopy and seeing that I have never gone for a lap before one of those at the same time.

So turns out that I had two polyps, and my previous HSG should have shown them as he thinks that they have been there for a long time.

Other than that no endo what so ever, which was a great relieve for me, but my ovaries are done!

Normal ovaries should look really round and swollen, whereas mine seem to have shrivelled up all together.

So now at least I know that donor would be the only way for me to have a baby.

So I guess it’s good because it really feels like  I have closure on this now...

So onward with donor and hopefully my twin babies...lol

and so another BFN

Well as I expected it was another BFN.

I cried a couple of times but I guess it was as if I knew it wouldn't be....

So my plan of action is to try and change my attitude, I have to start being positive and I have to have hope and I guess a little faith,
even if my relationship with God is on really shaky ground at the moment.
I do believe in Him and I always will, I just don't understand, He can do anything, so why no help???

Anyway don't want to go down that road at the moment ...

We had a visit with Vitalab and saw Dr Gobetz, really awesome guy and I felt really comfortable with him.
He seems to think that my one ovary is already post menopausal...lol (bloody fantastic seeing as I am only 31 and and the other one is close behind....
He said that we could keep doing IVF and that we would probable keep getting eggs, but that if we ever wanted a real baby we needed to move on.

so that's that in a nutshell

In Limbo

So our little embie made it to transfer, which I think was amazing, I truly have to confess that I gave up and thought it was all over and done with.

I begged God to please just let the little embie die if it wasn't going to result in a BFP, not to put me through the 2ww as I know how agonizing it is to just get a BFN at the end of it.

Anyway little guy made it and I guess I can only hope...

On day 3 it was a little 7 cell embie with almost no fragmentation, FS said we had a grade 1-2 embie, so good but i guess not the best ...

And now I am in limbo, hoping, but not wanting to get ahead of myself, but I guess as usual I lean more towards the negative as i always do, having had a good old cry the last couple of mornings

If only we could have a little  miracle .....

IVF 4 so far

So same as my last post... I have been really bad at blogging.

We are currently just over the halfway mark in our 3rd IVF, but let me start at the beginning of this cycle

I arrived in my beautiful Cape Town and probable not very optimistic about the cycle, but happy to be here.

Day 1
My cycle began exactly as planned and it was a great start.
Hubby arrived in CT and all was well with my soul
Had a acupuncture session Dr told me that my pulse was much stronger than the last time she saw me, things were looking up.
Next acupuncture session, she told me that my body sounded swollen, a good sign and to expect quite a few follicles.
I was however still so hesitant to be hope full but really hoped for the best.

Day 8
Scan revealed 6 gorgeous looking follies.... I have to admit that I was hoping for more, but happy anyway, we were heading in the right direction and it looked much better than my last cycle.

Day 11
Scan showed that my follies were huge and FS booked us for ER for the Wed 23rd of march.
All seemed well and I was hoping for better quality eggs, especially seeing that I had not been on the stims for so long

Day of ER
I was stressing a bit , praying to God to please give us the 6 eggs, please...

Woke up... 2 eggs retrieved the rest of the follies were filled with a murky liquid FS has no idea what it is.
I had to sit through 2 hours of intralipid, plans made when i was still hopefull, crying most of the time, nurses giving me sympathetic looks and the FS telling me that we should pray really hard, like I haven't been begging God to please have mercy on my and give me just one child ...

Day after egg retrieval
I wake up at 5 and wonder how I am going to pass the time until I get the fertilization report.
By 10 I cant handle it any more and DH phones the lab
One egg fertilised .....

I cry and cry and cry, all my hopes are dashed, if this poor little embie makes it to ET I don't have high hopes of getting a BFP.
I beg God for a miracle,please make this embie strong, please let me have a baby

I don't think I will ever have a biological child of my own, I will never look into my child's eyes and see a part of me .....

the family is here and are getting restless, so have to get ready to enjoy the day at a wine farm and be happy, all the while feeling dead, useless and utterly hopeless.

A little ray of light

So as it stands I am already really bad at blogging, I think about doing it the whole time, but I never do ...lol. Great start!

So just a little update on what is happening with us, a month ago I was really  down and it just seemed like all the infertility stuff was just too much for me to handle

So I did what I do best , I try to make a plan , I am always making and braking plans but I will find an alternative route if it exists, I think I have to do this for my own sanity!

So I decided than rather wait for another failed IVF before I look at more options I was going to get the ball rolling

At just about the same time I just happen to see a donor on the Nurture website that I totally loved, I showed her to my hubby and everything just seemed to fall into place.

I just happen to write something down and I am so glad that I did, because with all the craziness of my upcoming IVF with my own eggs and all my fears making their come back , its so special to know that there is a little ray of light on the horizon

As all infertile woman know nothing is a sure bet, but this does give me just a little more hope

So here is my message from that wonderful day:

20 February 2011

Today has been a good day!

From feeling a little overwhelmed last night not knowing what is happening in my life to waking up this morning and just feeling a little bit better.

And then the news, our donor is happy to donate to us! She likes us!

Words can’t describe the feeling I was shaking, crying and laughing all at the same time... and just so very thankful!!!

My hubby came home a little while later and as I told him we did our little happy dance and high fived each other, hugged and kissed and just felt happy because it gives us just a little more hope.   Hopefully we will have a baby soon.

Its all in a Name

I decided to name my blog shadez of blue for a few different reasons Blue is my favorite colour.
From the time that I can remember I have absolutely loved Blue.
Blue in all shades and hues, blue is my color!!!


What I love about blue is that it is calming!
It can be strong and steadfast or light and friendly.

I love that its such a natural colour from the blue of the sky to the different blues of the ocean its just gorgeous and it makes me happy! Lol

But, as we are navigating this road of infertility, blue also symbolizes what I am going through.
Getting the blues or ... being depressed and sad because this is just such a heartbreaking, sad lonely journey that seems to steal your hope and joy and leaves you feeling empty.

But when my miracle happens these dark “blue” clouds will fade away and in its place will be shades of light blue sky ...
and hopefully ...
a nursery in baby blue

Welcome

Hello and welcome to my blog!

I have decided to do this for myself as writing helps me, I can try to get feelings and emotions out that tend to build up and I need a release.

I wish that I was gifted in this way and that words could flow like poetry, but they just don’t, so sorry about that .

Well this blog is about me and my hubby and our journey through infertility. 

It certainly is not something that I wanted or ever thought that I would be blogging about, but it is a part of our journey and we are just trying to navigate our way through it.  I just hope that this will also include our journey to parenthood in the future.

So , welcome !!!