Not the c word???

I have good days and bad days and lately I have had better days, even with everything that we have learnt the last couple of weeks.

That was until yesterday...

Went to the dermatologist with my DH to have a mole checked out and it seems like he might have skin cancer

Cancer.....?

The word rattled round my brain for a while and then slammed straight into my heart and now the tears just won’t stop flowing.

I can handle a lot of things or I have learned to cope with everything that life has thrown at me this far, but this is where it ends.

I can’t lose him as well.

The Dr did say it was nothing to worry about and that it is probable localised and would be gone as soon as it was removed, but still it’s that word ....cancer..

And just the thought that I might be without him...

So please pray for me, as I have been left so jaded and hopeless by infertility that I really can’t seem to get through to God anymore.

Dear God

Please heal him, please let it not be cancer, please help us

PLEASE ....

lap and so forth

After seeing Dr G the other day he scheduled a HSG for me, I really did try everything to get out of it and my last one hurt so much that I nearly fainted! But it turned out that this one was a walk in a park with some help from a couple of mypridols...lol

He saw a polyp that he wanted to remove, said he would never put an embryo back with one of those there so we scheduled a hysteroscopy and seeing that I have never gone for a lap before one of those at the same time.

So turns out that I had two polyps, and my previous HSG should have shown them as he thinks that they have been there for a long time.

Other than that no endo what so ever, which was a great relieve for me, but my ovaries are done!

Normal ovaries should look really round and swollen, whereas mine seem to have shrivelled up all together.

So now at least I know that donor would be the only way for me to have a baby.

So I guess it’s good because it really feels like  I have closure on this now...

So onward with donor and hopefully my twin babies...lol

and so another BFN

Well as I expected it was another BFN.

I cried a couple of times but I guess it was as if I knew it wouldn't be....

So my plan of action is to try and change my attitude, I have to start being positive and I have to have hope and I guess a little faith,
even if my relationship with God is on really shaky ground at the moment.
I do believe in Him and I always will, I just don't understand, He can do anything, so why no help???

Anyway don't want to go down that road at the moment ...

We had a visit with Vitalab and saw Dr Gobetz, really awesome guy and I felt really comfortable with him.
He seems to think that my one ovary is already post menopausal...lol (bloody fantastic seeing as I am only 31 and and the other one is close behind....
He said that we could keep doing IVF and that we would probable keep getting eggs, but that if we ever wanted a real baby we needed to move on.

so that's that in a nutshell