IVF 4 so far

So same as my last post... I have been really bad at blogging.

We are currently just over the halfway mark in our 3rd IVF, but let me start at the beginning of this cycle

I arrived in my beautiful Cape Town and probable not very optimistic about the cycle, but happy to be here.

Day 1
My cycle began exactly as planned and it was a great start.
Hubby arrived in CT and all was well with my soul
Had a acupuncture session Dr told me that my pulse was much stronger than the last time she saw me, things were looking up.
Next acupuncture session, she told me that my body sounded swollen, a good sign and to expect quite a few follicles.
I was however still so hesitant to be hope full but really hoped for the best.

Day 8
Scan revealed 6 gorgeous looking follies.... I have to admit that I was hoping for more, but happy anyway, we were heading in the right direction and it looked much better than my last cycle.

Day 11
Scan showed that my follies were huge and FS booked us for ER for the Wed 23rd of march.
All seemed well and I was hoping for better quality eggs, especially seeing that I had not been on the stims for so long

Day of ER
I was stressing a bit , praying to God to please give us the 6 eggs, please...

Woke up... 2 eggs retrieved the rest of the follies were filled with a murky liquid FS has no idea what it is.
I had to sit through 2 hours of intralipid, plans made when i was still hopefull, crying most of the time, nurses giving me sympathetic looks and the FS telling me that we should pray really hard, like I haven't been begging God to please have mercy on my and give me just one child ...

Day after egg retrieval
I wake up at 5 and wonder how I am going to pass the time until I get the fertilization report.
By 10 I cant handle it any more and DH phones the lab
One egg fertilised .....

I cry and cry and cry, all my hopes are dashed, if this poor little embie makes it to ET I don't have high hopes of getting a BFP.
I beg God for a miracle,please make this embie strong, please let me have a baby

I don't think I will ever have a biological child of my own, I will never look into my child's eyes and see a part of me .....

the family is here and are getting restless, so have to get ready to enjoy the day at a wine farm and be happy, all the while feeling dead, useless and utterly hopeless.